THE LAST WEEKEND:

“The last weekend was very quiet. The sky was cloudy in a restful way. And the town seemed as though it was asleep.

Saturday started with John listening to “Walking on Thin Ice”. As John was so focused on it, I went out to the news stand and suddenly thought I should get John some chocolates as a surprise. He loved chocolates, but it was not in our sugarless diet at that point. After the drug binges of the Sixties, John wanted both of us to clean up and be healthy “for Sean’s sake too.” But that Saturday, the last Saturday John would enjoy, I thought of getting him some chocolate and surpri sing him. I don’t know why I thought that. I didn’t like chocolates at all then, so I wasn’t suffering not eating them. I got some and came home. As I came out of the elevator, I was surprised by John opening the door to the apartment before I rang the bell. “How did you know I was coming back just now?” “Oh, I know when you’re back.” He was so happy that I got him the chocolates. I remember how he smiled.

The same day, John wanted all my artwork to be brought upstairs from the basement to the white room. This was not the first time he asked for it, but he asked for it on this weekend again. “It’s ridiculous. We have those great works, and we are leaving them in the basement. I want to enjoy them.” For me, it was boring to have to see my old works every day. As a result, my pieces were piled up in the basement storage covered in dust. In those days, I didn’t particularly care about that. “John, can we do it after we finish the album? We are all so busy now.” “No, we should do it now. You’ll never do it otherwise.” As he said it, there was a touch of sadness in his voice, as if he already knew we would never bring them upstairs. We didn’t.

All day, John did not stop playing “Walking on Thin Ice.” He played it over and over again. We still hadn’t overdubbed the guitar solo, so I thought he was checking what to do with it. But it was unlike him that he took so much time on it. I went to sleep. When I woke up on Sunday morning, he was still playing “Walking all Thin Ice” as he looked over the park. I knew the song was a good song. But I was just thinking of what else should be done musically. Never thought deeper than that at the time. Only just recently, it occured to me that maybe John was aware of the song in a different light.

Walking on thin ice
I’m paying the price
For throwing the dice in the air.

But it goes into the middle eight after the second verse:

I may cry someday,
But the tears will dry whichever way…
And when our hearts return to ashes
It’ll be just a story.

I hadn’t realized that it said “I may cry someday,” not “YOU may cry someday” or “WE may cry someday.”

What was I thinking?! John probably noticed it as he listened to the song that weekend, so intently. Was that what made him keep on listening? Did we know something? John? Me? Death was one thing we didn’t discuss that weekend. But it was around us like a thick fog.

The last Sunday. I’m glad in a way that we didn’t know that it was our last Sunday together, so we could have had a semblance of normalcy. But it turned out that it was not a normal Sunday at all. Something was starting to happen, like the dead silence before a tsunami. The air was gelling tenser and tenser, denser and denser. Then, I distinctly saw airwaves in the room. It was wiggly lines, like on the heart monitor next to the hospital bed, just before it becomes a flat straight line. “John, are you all right?” I asked through the density. He just nodded and kept listening to “Walking on Thin Ice,” playing it loud. “Walking on thin ice. Walking on thin ice …” “John, John, arrre youuuu alllll riiight?” I heard my voice vibrating. I could not go near John, for some reason. WALKING ON THIN ICE. WALKING ON THIN ICE. WALKING ON THIN ICE. I realized that both of us were in a strange dimension in a weird time zone, as if we were in a dream. Then it all stopped. I went into a long and shallow sleep, with John over me, kissing me tenderly.

Monday. The very last day of John’s life, we woke up to a shiny blue sky spreading over Central Park. The day had an air of bright eyes and bushy tails. John and I remembered that we had a full schedule. Annie Leibovitz’s photo session, RKO radio show, and studio work from 6 p.m. John liked being prompt. John was English, I was Japanese. The result was both of us possessed extreme austerity and hilarity back to back. The sky was turning gray in the afternoon. And John kept talking to the RKO radio guy, cramming in a lot of things. We nearly became late for the studio. I rushed into the car and saw John still signing an autograph for a guy in front of the Dakota. “John, we’ll be late!” I remember being a bit irritable. “Why one more autograph?” I thought. John said something like, “OK,” and rushed into the car, sat next to me and held my hand as usuaL The car drove off.

I know I speak of his hands a lot. I loved his hands. He used to say he had wanted hands like Jean Cocteau – long and slim fingers. But I grew up surrounded by cousins with those aristocratic hands. I loved John’s, clean, strong, working-class hands that grabbed me whenever there was a chance.

The studio work went until late at night. In a room next to the control room, just before we left the studio, John looked at me. I looked at him. His eyes had an intensity of a guy about to tell me something important. “Yes?” I asked. And I will never forget how with a deep, soft voice, as if to carve his words in my mind, he said the most beautiful things to me. “Oh” I said after a while, and looked away, feeling a bit embarrassed.

In my mind, hearing something like that from your man when you were way over 40… well… I was a very lucky woman, I thought. Even now, I see his piercing eyes in my mind. I don’t know why he decided, at that very moment, to say all that as if he wanted me to remember it forever. Did it matter that the whole world hated you if your guy loved you that much? Who cares if you had to live in hell with him? Some couples might be lucky to live in heaven. John and my heaven was in Hell. And we loved it. We would not have wanted it any other way.

Yoko Ono
London, October 18th, 2010

WALKING ON THIN ICE by Yoko Ono was first published in Rolling Stone, December 2010 issue as “John’s Last Days: A Remembrance by Yoko Ono”.

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15 Responses to “THE LAST WEEKEND:”

  1. lizzie says:

    i had never read this before. i don’t think i’ll ever forget some of the things i read here now.

  2. Nick says:

    I don’t remember seeing this either.

  3. Ishie says:

    Soul mates … that is what they were. They dreamed together. They lived and loved with intensity. It made them strong. It made them endure. Two hearts were one … an unbroken circle … yesterday & forever.

  4. Karen says:

    Bullcrap.

  5. Louise says:

    “I know I speak of his hands a lot. I loved his hands.” Interesting that Paul McCartney always talked about liking John’s hands, too.

    And yes, this is a rose-colored view of their marriage (which, as has been shown in several books, was far far rockier in the late 70s than Yoko would have us believe today) but let’s face it, when someone passes — especially in a traumatic way — we all see only the good things. Why would we focus on the bad at that point?

  6. Nick says:

    I agree Louise! Why focus on the bad? None of us were there. Let her say whatever she wants. The bottom line is she knew him best and was beside him to the end.

  7. Markzapp says:

    May Pang claims to have had a sexual relationship with John up until the end of his life. Who really knows? (Only Mamma Knows)

  8. Ishie says:

    There are ups & downs to every relationship. The Lennon’s certainly had their share.
    Did they create a ‘rose colored’ view of their relationship for the media? I can’t really say for certain.
    John’s lost weekend and his relationship with May was well reported. Yoko & John spoke about it in multiple interviews as did May in her book ‘Loving John’.
    To me, regardless of their struggles, the love they had for one another was greater than the sum of all of the negative aspects of their relationship.
    No one really knows what happened between John & Yoko in their most private moments. At the end of his life, Yoko was with him. As John said, they were ‘starting over’ and that is enough.

  9. Louise says:

    ” The bottom line is she knew him best.” I don’t think Yoko knew him best, actually. I think Paul knew him best.

  10. Ishie says:

    Hmmm … that could be Louise. Paul knew John when they were teenagers and they lived through some of John’s most difficult moments together including the death of Julia.
    I’ve always believed that the strength of the friendship never really waived even through the darkest days of the band breaking up, financial disasters and legal nightmares, beneath it all was John & Paul.

  11. Cara says:

    Sorry, but I think it’s just wishful thinking to say that Paul knew John better than his own wife did. Yes, there was a special bond between J and P, but there was also always a little distance between them. Like most husbands, he bared his soul and opened his heart to his wife… I think she (and possibly Auntie Mimi) knew him best.

  12. Nick says:

    I agree that Yoko knew him “best”. Paul was probably “second best” sorry!

  13. Louise says:

    Paul knew the real John. They were “together” from 1957 to 1969 ish. That’s 13 years — formative years. Paul knew John at his worst and at his best and accepted both. He saw John in the midst of pressure that only another Beatle was able to understand.

    Yoko knew John from 1968 to 1980 — 12 years (and they were separated for two of them). Yoko knew John in his “easiest” years. And during his “lost weekend,” she didn’t see John at his worst; May Pang did.

    So that’s why I think Paul knew him “best.” Also, Paul and John spent years creating music together, writing music together. As Yoko herself recently said, she and John rarely if ever “wrote” songs together. She’s made a point of saying her solo work was HER own — that John helped produce here and there, but she made the decisions on her own music. That’s another level on which Paul understood John in a way that Yoko didn’t.

    Yoko and John collaborated on politics — on political statements. But John’s music was for more personal than his political statements, which is why I feel that a musical collaboration like the one between John and Paul runs much deeper than a political collaboration.

    Sexually of course, Yoko knew him best. :) But Cynthia and others knew him on that level, too.

  14. Jo says:

    Debating who knew John best is pointless. The fact is that both Yoko and Paul loved John and he both of them. To even contemplate the conversations John and Yoko had on his last day on this earth gives me chills. Thank you for posting this, I had never read it before. God Bless Yoko…

  15. Andy Hruska says:

    Like others, I felt a need to comment on this. How about “all you need is love”

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